Credit: UK blog Sweary Me plus 3 and the big one.
*****This is very British (so some of the phrasing will be odd to Americans) and riddled with spelling errors but too funny not to share. Read to to the end as the very last line says it all. Also full of glorious cursing. *****
“So it’s day 9 of this social distancing thing, I think it’s day 9, I’m not entirely sure, it could be fucking Thursday the 30th of fucking never for all I know
What I do know is I didn’t put the clock in the lounge forward an hour so I’ve been living in the past all fucking day. On the flip side of that it was an hour less I had to endure with every fucking bastard in this house.
At the start of this semi lock down him indoors occupied himself with jobs around the house he’d been threatening to do since we moved in 15 months ago so I didn’t see much of him, now he’s ran out of masonry paint and enthusiasm he’s wondering around pissing me off.
He’s 46, 47 in July, we’re meant to be going to amsterdam. The way things are going we’ll be lucky to go out in the back garden.
He calls me this morning, I ignore him. I’ve been shut down with him for over a week and the sound of his fucking voice gives me a forest Whitaker eye.
I ignore him for as long as I can, which isn’t very long considering we’re confined to these four fucking walls
Me: WHAT FOR FUCK SAKE??!!!!
Him: I saw on Facebook how to make a face mask from things laying around the house. Look
Me: groans and turns around he’s fucking stood there with a pair of his green boxers turned into a balaclava like an obese raphael.
Him: I can wear this when I go out
Me: go out? You’ve not been further than the shed for 9 fucking days, I’m the one that risks my life going to get the bread. Bone idle fuck
Him: do you want it then?
I ignore the prick and walk back into the kitchen for something else to fucking eat. I need to try social distancing from the fucking cupboards, I swear to god I heard the cupboard say ” what the fuck do you want now you massive fat twat” when I stuck my head in looking for another time out wafer. Probably a good thing that I can’t go anywhere because fuck all fits me and I can’t bend over without nearly passing out. I’m going to have to walk sideways through my doors if this carries on
Him indoors suggested a weight bench and may be jogging, I suggested he best fuck off as I’m sent out for a fucking French stick to fill with sausages and bacon for him in the fucking dark and I swear I heard the purge alarm.
I come back with a French stick another 4 pints of fucking milk and 6 eggs, eggs are more expensive than gold and my local shop sold me 6 loose ones and didn’t give me a bag, I had to put them on the passenger seat and drive slowly as I could all the way home.
I get back and go and tell him indoors I need him to come and get the French stick.
He rolled his eyes
He rolled his fucking eyes at me
There was an exchange of foul language and me telling him exactly what he can do with this French fucking stick
The was another barrage of foul language and I smashed him over the head with the French stick
It snapped in half
He picked up the other end and hit me with it
We’re out in the dark like an overweight punch and Judy, jousting with bread
I still wasn’t speaking to him this morning
I’m just sat on the sofa minding my own business whilst he’s in the bath, he’s not in there long enough and I can hear him coming back down
I put back on my resting bitch face
He comes bursting onto the lounge
A piece of what looks like one of my towels tied around his head and starts river dancing on the rug like stavros flatley
I’m glaring at him whilst he’s doing the truffle shuffle
He steps on the cat!!
It’s fucking chaos
He’s still on the cat
I heard the air leave it like a deflating balloon
He’s stepped back onto a paw patrol pick up truck and a spider man a little
He’s 22 stone
It’s like a felled tree
The cats wrapped around his ankle
Hissing with what breath it has left
Fuck!! The cat
He’s hit the fucking deck
The fucking whole house shook
It would have measure 6.9 on the Richter scale
I’ve scooped the cat up and checked it over
He’s laid on the rug like a wounded goliath
Him: my arm!! My fucking elbow!! You’re gonna have to help me up!!
Me: help you up? Are you mad? I’ll have to keep you warm til the fire brigade get here. Just get up you wanker. Heave yourself up with your good arm.
Him: I think I’ve broken my arm
Me: wrap ya pants around your head and go to minor injuries then.
He didn’t bother going. Probably come out with something worse than a sprained elbow anyway.
Like a little beacon of hope Gillian messages me to say she’s made some cup cakes using a new recipe, chocolate sponge injected with caramel.
My fat chubby mouth is watering at the thought so I tell her I’ll be five minutes and to leave them in the porch
I pick up the tray and walk back. I actually take a bite out of one because I’m greedy as fuck
I walk up my drive
The wind blows and blows each on onto the fucking stones
They’re covered in stones, ash and debris
I’m on my knees trying to save them, save one at least
The fucking crows are circling like they know a fat fuck has dropped cake
I think about shooing them but remember when my daughter told me about crows that remember when people have been mean to them.
Apparently an experiment was carried out once when a man was mean to a crow and when ever he went out the crowd would chase him to try and peck him and got their mates to join in, one day he wore a mask, they didn’t recognise him so left him alone. The day he took his mask off, there they were ready to pounce.
She clearly had too much time on her hands
Fuck it. I’m locked down for how ever long and the last thing I want are crows shitting all over my clean drying sheets or packing out my fucking eyes they can have the fucking cake.
I go back into the prison, I mean my house to be greeted by the strongest smell of shit and utter carnage
Me: what the fuck?!
Them: the toddler told us he needed to poop and because you weren’t here for 30 seconds he wouldn’t let us put him on the toilet
Me: so what’s happened?
Them: points at toddler
His jogging bottoms are like bloomers and every time he walks a turd falls out.
This is my first week of quarantine
I’m a fat fucking wreck
Never give birth to anything.”